Dammit! just cut out my tongue!

I can't believe that at my age I don't have a better grip on this mouth of mine. I really don't intend to hurt the ones I love with my bluntness ... but it often times does.

A coupld weeks ago when my Dad called he kept asking when we would be coming home again. I guess I was in a mood that day because I said I didn't know when we would be coming back up that way again. I should've stopped at that - but nooooooooooooo I had to put some zinger bullshit in there and continued to say:

"If PA comes back for her 50th birthday then we'll probably make a trip up there so we can see her too. But if she doesn't come back this summer, I doubt that we'll be coming home this year. I lived in California for 12 years and we had four visitors from Iowa in that entire time - you and mom came once. Do you recall how many trips we made back and forth from California? or how many we've made since we moved to the Ozarks 2 years ago?
I figure it's just as far from my house to yours as it is from yours to mine -- so no, I don't see us coming back up there any time soon."

He's 83 years old for crissakes! Do I really expect him to drive 12 hours to come down here?
Goddamn I'm a mean spiteful bitch some days.
Please God - don't turn me into to my mother just to get even with me.

But this is exactly the kind of thing she would say/do.

DAMMIT! I've got to get a grip on this because it's just so hurtful towards someone that has loved me all my life.

Sometimes it sucks to be outspoken.

I told you so ...

I hate hearing that phrase, and I seldom use it. It's just so damn condescending and belitting. As if the recipient of the comment doesn't feel bad enough -- an "I told you so" simply grinds it in deeper.

With that said, I did a hurtful thing yesterday. I didn't mean to be hurtful. I wanted the point driven home so that it would never happen again.
Of course that's the whole reason for the "I told you so" statement to start with, isn't it?

My mother had been in a care center/nursing home. She had become very unstable on her feet and had fallen 7 times in 5 days. I was thrilled when Dad said he had to put her in the care center. He said she's not happy about it and wants to know when she can come home. I told him then that it's always been his job to keep her safe over the years - and he has always managed to do that. Putting her in the care center was just another way of keeping her safe - the home simply is not safe for her anymore. Several of us added that there's a very good possibility that the next time she falls, she'll break something - then she may be bedridden - and that would be even worse. He seemed okay with that.

As the months went by, he began to hate being in the house alone. So, against all of our wishes, he once again brought her home to live.

Sunday she fell twice.
Sunday night she was back in the care center - in a lot of pain.

I called Dad Monday morning. He was sad, he was kicking himself. And as mad as I was at the moment I said the hurtful words of "I told you so".

Being the fucking nasty person I can be -- I made him cry.

Sometimes I hate myself!

Just a little faith ?

The start date draws closer.
I've got an excited type of fear going on my head.
Excited because of the income.
Fearful because it seems I've been making more mistakes recently.
There's only a few more days for this to all click in my head.
I guess that's where faith comes in to play.

In the meantime, I hope I don't eat myself into oblivion.
I can't seem to keep my mind off of food the past two days.
Okay, I have to seriously think about getting back into a steady diet of the self-hypnosis.
That always seemed to work best for me.

Effective now.

Remember the 'Agaony of Defeat'?

The past few months I've been bustin ass to learn a new trade. It's one where I will work from home. That in itself is the biggest draw for me. I'm at this machine many hours of the day anyway - I might just as well start making some money doing it.

Initially, my mentor told me that it would be 2 years before I would be 'hiring material'. At which point, she would give me a letter of recommendation.

That all changed when October rolled around. She sent me an email and said that she would like to offer me a hire date of January 1, 2006!
I was shocked.
I was elated.
I was scared.

So, I've continued to be the student, and all my work is filtered through my mentor. She corrects it and emails it back ... on a daily basis. The corrected files are the best learning tool.

The previous week, my mentor had been quite sick. I continued to do my work and email it. My work sitting in her email continued to build up.

Yesterday, my mentor found herself feeling like brand new and emailed saying that she was going to dedicate the next couple hours to correcting my work.

I was glad she was feeling better and I was glad she would be checking my work.

Then the emails started coming in. I think there were about 25 files -- out of 25, only 2 were error-free.

I chatted her after looking through the list of errored reports, and gave her an out. I asked if she wanted to delay the 'start date'.
She said not.

It would be nice if I felt as confident about my work as my mentor does.
I just don't know if I'm ready for a start date of January 1.